you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
