Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
