Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
