I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
