You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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