Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
