is your mom at the bar?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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