I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
