I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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