My room smells like vodka and shame
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
