do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
