You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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