i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
