You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
