he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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