I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
