what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
