My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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