Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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