You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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