I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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