i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
