Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
