I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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