i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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