Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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