I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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