i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
