who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
