I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
pray to the hookup gods
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
