ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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