So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
