I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
