My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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