genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
