EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
