don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
