i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
