Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
