Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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