his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
