the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
where are you?
Hypothermia
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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