I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
