my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
