I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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