Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
