i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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