i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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