i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
