I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
