you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Actions speak louder than pants.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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