Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
