omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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