Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
