I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
