This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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