Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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