What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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