I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So here I am, sexting at work.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
