I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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