Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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