just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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