Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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