u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
