How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My vagina just recognized that song.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Damn victory sex feels great
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
