when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
